It is amazing what changes you can make in your life when you don't think you have the strength. I knew I was in over my head. I knew I was in trouble. I knew. God knew.
I prayed for God to give me strength. I prayed for God to give me hope. I prayed for God to simply fix me. I know that is not how He operates. He did his best. He started out gently. He was in my head. I knew. He was heavy on my heart. I knew. I saw Him trying all around me. I felt Him trying to help me. I knew it was Him. I still couldn't quit. I cried. I was frustrated. I could not change. I could not fix myself. I knew. God knew.
Thank you God for not giving up on me. You knew.
Finally, one morning I woke up and couldn't move. I couldn't get out of bed. I was in an incredible amount of pain. I did not know what what wrong with my body, but I knew. He was forced to deal His final blow. God knew.
Mama took me to the ER and I was admitted to the hospital. I was diagnosed with Pancreatitis. I was told it was caused by spicy foods, rich foods and/or alcohol. I knew. God knew. Mama knew.
I stayed in the hospital for a week and went through DTs and withdrawals. I was given special fluids and vitamins. I developed water on my lungs and Mama was told I may not make it. That is something I never should have put my my Mama through. I knew.
I did make it though. Not without the scars, the knowledge, the hope for the future.
Thank you Mama for not giving up on me. You knew.
I will never forget the tear filled night time phone calls from my Elle. She missed me. I missed her. She shouldn't grow up without me. I knew.
I will never use the excuses again. I will never drink again. I know. God knows. Mama knows.
